The False Walls I Hide Behind

Today has not been a good day, emotionally. But I realise not all days have to be good.

At first I felt maybe I have extreme mood swings. Even my friends made me believe so. But then I realize that I feel things a little too closely, too deeply and it affected me as such.

I pride myself on being emotionless when I want to, on my face never betraying me. But I realise that in the process of building walls around me, I’ve forgotten that they are made of glass.

The stones thrown are making it crumble and I go on building walls, keeping myself busy, freeing myself from the emotions. I get angry and detached and then I feel no one cares as no one’s coming in, no one brave enough to come through the weak walls I’m pretending to shield myself behind. Then I get angry at myself – maybe I shouldn’t be putting in so much effort to remain aloof.

No one’s caring right now, if I come out a little bit no one would notice and I’d breath in the world. So I told myself. I told myself I’ll only let some people know that yes, I am out and about so I can explore the world in peace but also have company in the process. It is only too late that I realise I’ve made the same mistake again. I’ve trusted the wrong person. The masks are all I see hovering, all the people who’ve betrayed me, sneering at me and laughing, ‘this is your fate.’

I look down my balcony and I see the reds of betrayal slashed through the bushes in my garden. I see the people looming outside the gates asking me to come out. Their voices fading as I go further back in, in the walls I’ve made, the walls I’m now working to make double layered from the inside, making it that much harder for the next person to come through even as I crave in my loneliness for someone to soothe me and tell me it’s okay.

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